INKYGOBLIN’S AWARD WINNING ANCHOR FATIMA LATTIMER BRINGS YOU HER SINGULAR VIEWS ON SOUTH AFRICAN POLITICS …
* Yet another dead ANC cabinet minister!
** Astounding interpretation of budget surplus!
*** Fifa warn fans not to enter South African stadiums!
ANC MINISTER OF HEALTH GETS WRONG ORGAN TRANSPLANT
Comrade Robert Witbooi, ANC Deputy Minister of Zanufication, apologised today to the twenty patients on the national waiting list for liver transplants. This was in response to the recent news that ANC Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang received a new liver at a large private hospital in Johannesburg. “This is a terrible error,” said a shaken Comrade Witbooi. “Minister Tshabalala-Msimang was supposed to get a brain transplant. As soon as we get the transplanted liver out of her head, we promise it will go immediately to the next person on the waiting list.”
MINISTER OF HEALTH “NOT DEAD, JUST SLEEPING.”
Dr Bones Witbooi, spokesman for the ANC Ministry of Death denied reports that Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang has been dead for five years. “This gross invasion of her privacy and human rights is a scurrilous attack on everything holy to the ANC revolution,” he told reporters. “The comradely tradition of ANC Ministers dying in office is not going to stop just because some bourgeois neo-liberal running dogs in journalism say so.”
The long dead Minister was represented in the cabinet by a series of clones made by technicians from the former USSR. “We took plaster casts of her body during her training as a veterinary nurse in Leningrad back in 1962,” said Vladimir Putitin, former head of the clone unit in the now defunct KGB. Past successes of the Putitin clone unit include all three Stalins, the second Brezhnev and the “Saddam Hussein” who was hanged recently in Iraq.
That all dead ANC Ministers died from AIDS has been refuted by several nyangas, ten traditional surgeons and the help line of a leading vitamin factory.
INKYGOBLIN’S FABULOUS ANCHOR THE CELEBRATED AND ESTEEMED FATIMA LATTIMER BRINGS YOU HER UNIQUE TAKE ON …
THE LATEST ANC CONVICTS!
SOUTH AFRICAN ARMS SALES IN CONGO BY ORDINARY SOLDIERS!
FIFA’S POSITION ON WORLD CUP STADIA AS FUTURE PRISIONS!
MINISTER OF MOURNING “SICK” IN “HOSPITAL”
Comrade Minister Dr Mantombazana Tshabalala-Msimang continues to languish in Johannesburg Hospital. A spokesdwarf for the Ministry, Traditional Surgeon Ijubane Witbooi strenuously denied that the Minister was shamming, so that she could save face by resigning her failed Ministerial post on “health” reasons.
“This is a lie,” he told a passing AIDS victim. “The Minister will never leave her post, nor abandon her research into olive oil and African Potatoes as panacea for so-called AIDS.”
“It is well known,” concluded Witbooi, “That AIDS is spread by colonialism and capitalism. Once these are defeated, everybody will be healed and the millions of dead will rise up from the grave.”
The ailing Dr Mantombazana Tshabalala-Msimang is a graduate of Fort Hare and the First Leningrad Medical Institute. She has never been nominated for the Nobel Prize in Medicine due to racism.
COMRADES, THESE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE TIMES
Despite the central role of the South African Communist Party in the total overthrow of the fascist apartheid Pretoria regime, the distasteful personality cult of the current cabal of elites which has the working class in its neo-liberal grip, has made it near impossible to realise the goals of the Party’s five year plan, now in its eleventh year.
MASSIVE POPULAR PROGRAMME OF WORK
We are all aware of the Party’s plan to mobilize the hundreds of thousands of unemployed miners in a great popular project, fully the equal of Comrade Stalin’s efforts on the Volga, so long ago. Led entirely by the organic intellectuals of the Poetry Writing Wing of the SACP, and informed by the luminious example of A.G. Stakhanov who built three hundred and twenty three tractors in one 8 hour session with his left hand tied behind his back, the doughty miners will dig a canal from Johannesburg to Durban. Using the inner tubes of recently scrapped taxis as flotation devices, the toiling masses will thus travel free to the sea, where they will enjoy the salubrious ozone enriched air of the coast, a benefit currently limited to the grandchildren of colonialists and Randlords, plus one or two fancy women illicitly linked to the Cabinet.
FRENZIED BOUT OF BOURGEOIS LOVE
There have been other crises. I refer, more in sorrow than in anger, to the little peaked cap that Dear Leader Blade Nzimande never seems to take off. There are those amongst us – and we know who you are – who monger rumours that the Dear Leader’s little peaked cap is a symbol of latent Trotskyism, “an infantile disorder” as V.I. Lenin once remarked after a frenzied bout of bourgeois love with D.T. Malinova, psychoanalyst and poetess.
But for all their inherent interest, in the light of the current crisis, these are side issues best left to an all night plenary session of the next COSATU congress.
HELLO BRA KEBBLE? SORRY, WRONG NUMBER …
Instead Comrades, we must turn our attention to the next stage of the revolution: the SACP’s intention to mobilize the masses and capture Parliament at the next and last General Election. Our fund raisers have contacted donors throughout the world. Their silence is deafening. Comrade Kebble doesn’t return our calls, President Castro is on holiday, and our Red brothers and sisters in North Korea no longer have a working telephone system.
As Lenin might have said, what is to be done? The answer, as always, is to mimic the revolting methods of the capitalists.
HISTORY IS A VIRUS
Next Tuesday, the Mzumbe Catering Soviet will hold a cake sale. Their target, set by the Pietermaritzburg Politburo of the SACP is to raise twenty million Rands. Failure, an ever-present posibility given the white-anting of the movement by revanchist neo-hyaenas, will be dealt with in the usual way. I assume I don’t need to draw pictures.
On Wednesday the vanguard revolutionary collective will co-opt Christies of London to auction Comrade Nzimande’s little peaked cap. Given its place as a symbol of struggle not to mention the most glorious aspects of the revolution still to come, this is destined to raise a hundred million rand, so ensuring the peaceful overthrow by democratic means of the current gang of crooks and parasites. History is a virus! The future is ours!
AWARD-WINNING ANCHOR FATIMA LATTIMER GIVES YOU THE TRUTH ABOUT THE NEW NATIONAL SOCCER COACH …
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